December 13th
6:50 PM
New York
———
Audrey first spotted her daughter’s bright pink hat some distance away. She was rocking back and forth on the swing, staring out at the vast school field and kicking her legs gently as the wind blew over the horizon.
Her face was red and flustered, the cold nipping at her skin; she visibly shook. The closer Audrey prompted herself to go, she began to see the glistening tears cascading down her cheeks and the desolation that morphed her features. She was cold, she was terrified. Most of all, she was without her mother.
Audrey stepped onto the woodchips and shuffled toward the swing. In an instant, she had enveloped Leah in the comfort of her arms. Her emotion had reached its threshold. It peaked and crashed all at once as the first sob rippled her chest.
“I’m here, Leah. I’m here, princess.”
Leah’s blinked her tired eyes that leaked more tears than Audrey could count. “Mommy…I want to go home, mommy.” She clung to her mother’s coat, weeping from a place of deep pain.
Audrey squeezed her eyes shut as a tear slid down her face. “I’ll take you home. Mommy’s got you,” she hoisted her daughter up and pulled the hat over her ears, “you must be so tired, baby. I’m so sorry you had to wait out here.”
Leah’s lips trembled and as she opened her mouth to speak, her words replaced by a grave cry. “Daddy didn’t come get me like he promised.”
“You don’t have to worry about him. He won’t be the one taking you to school or picking you up anymore. I’ll come get you every day from now on.” Maybe Agatha firing her was a good thing after all. She could finally have time to be the mother that her daughter needed. There didn’t have to be a need for Mrs. Shapiro or Mrs. Lancaster to take care of her.
Leah nodded solemnly, her head lulling on Audrey’s shoulder and her legs wrapping tightly around her waist. As her cries quieted and her breathing became softer, Audrey started her journey away from the school playground and back home. “You’ll be okay, Leah. I promise.”
She crossed the field and stepped onto the sidewalk, holding her daughter closer to her body to restore the warmth she had lost after so many hours in the cold. Then light snowfall began. Flurries fell from the sky onto the asphalt while some were carried off by the wind.
It would have been a beautiful sight if Audrey weren’t so corrupted with vexation for Gunner. All she could think about was how inconsiderate he had been, how much of a horrible man he was, how…terrible he was at being the father Leah needed. Would he even care that she was out on the playground for hours? Or that she might have frozen to death if she hadn’t gotten here when she did? Of course not, he was Gunner. He was selfish.
Audrey put Leah on her feet as the apartment came into view and took her hand, squeezing it firmly so that she would know that she was cared for and loved. She didn’t bother buzzing their apartment unit and instead used the key in her bag to open the lobby door. Now that they were inside, they felt an uplifting warmth rush to every corner of their bodies.
“Mommy, I’m hungry,” Leah muttered, sniffling softly. Audrey pushed the elevator button and they patiently waited for it to reach the ground floor.
“Did you eat your lunch today?”
“I forgot it at home,” she admitted. “I didn’t have anything.”
“I’ll make you something warm once we get home, princess. Anything you want.”
Leah looked up with teary but smiling eyes. “I want pancakes.”
Just as she suspected. They were her favourite.
Audrey laughed to herself and reached into her pocket for a tissue. She swiped it under Leah’s nose, guiding her into the elevator as it opened. But out stepped Mrs. Shapiro first, looking between them oddly, a newspaper in her hands. “Rahal and Leah, how are you two?”
“We’re fine, Mrs. Shapiro. Thank you for asking.”
The old woman wheezed in laughter and the sudden swat Audrey received on the head with the newspaper stunned her. “You both look like shit,” she laughed harder. “Come up with a better excuse next time, Rahal, and maybe I’ll believe you. As for this angel…”
She fished into her baggy sweater and then handed Leah something small Audrey couldn’t see. Her mother lifted a brow and huffed. “It’s butterscotch, dear,” Mrs. Shapiro explained. “Tastes like heaven on the tongue.”
“Say thank you, Leah,” Audrey chided.
She blushed violently and glanced at the floor. “Thank you, Mrs. Shapiro.”
“Say,” the old woman mused, “do you want to visit me today, angel?”
Leah shuffled behind her mother’s leg and her hands gripped her jeans. “I wanna go home with mommy…”
“But I miss you, angel. You’re always such a great help to me when I watch over you.”
She peeked out at the strange woman and shook her head, quickly averting her gaze when she laughed again.
“You’re too attached to this mommy of yours. But that’s a good thing. You two stay safe. I’ll see you around, Rahal.”
“It’s Audrey!” she shouted as the woman marched on out of the building.
“Whatever you say, Rahal!”
The two finally entered the elevator and up to the seventh floor, they went. In a few minutes, they stood in front of their door. 710. The door was already unlocked when Leah twisted the knob. The apartment reeked of alcohol and about a dozen empty glass bottles littered the floor. The open window did nothing to ward off the smell.
Then out came Gunner, tugging his t-shirt over his head. She caught a glimpse of his tattoos, brash against his skin, and his blonde tresses damp. She would still admit he was beautiful, broken but poignantly beautiful.
Though as soon as his sharp eyes held hers, she broke eye contact first and proceeded to help Leah remove her jacket and shoes.
“I thought you said you were working till ten today,” he remarked. “What’s going on?”
She tossed her schoolbag aside and took Audrey’s hand, treading past him without a word. “Rey–”
“I don’t want to talk to you right now.” She tugged her wrist out of his grasp and with Leah in tow, made for her bedroom.
Gunner followed after them, firing question after question, which only brewed a dangerous storm inside her.
“Will you at least tell me why you’re so pissed? Come on, what the hell did I do?” Audrey silenced him with a blunt glare. Everything in his demeanour proved that he was, in fact, genuinely confused. But what frustrated her was the fact that he didn’t remember he had his daughter to take care of. And once again, it was on her to do everything. What happened because of it? She lost the only job that managed to pay rent for them.
“You’re drunk, aren’t you?”
“That’s what you’re mad about?”
“You’re always drunk or high or something,” her voice erupted and echoed in the apartment. It stunned them both; most of all, it scared Leah. “Tell me, what could’ve been more important than making sure you picked your daughter up from school today? Was it Ace? It’s always Ace.”
His face flushed, just a tone darker than her own crimson. She hardly ever showed any emotion other than fatigue. But now she was a form of herself Gunner had never seen; angry, distressed, frustrated, and hateful.
“I-I forgot, Rey. I didn’t mean to…I’m–”
She swatted his hand away as he reached out to touch her face. “Don’t.”
Realization dawned on him at once. He stared at Audrey, seconds away from spilling tears, then to his daughter, frightened. “Leah, baby, I’m sorry,” he reconciled.
“Just stop,” she warned.
“Rey, babe—”
“I said stop it, Gunner. Just stop it.”
He watched his girlfriend’s face change to hurt and anger and it only served to bring his own guilt to a higher peak. “I got a call from her teacher, she was there for two hours because you didn’t show. I had to leave work to go get her–”
“But you always do that. Why’s it different this time?” Gunner knew instantly it was the wrong thing to say. As Audrey’s lips twisted into a deep sneer and her eyes brimmed, regret clawed at his heart, cooling the fire that had started burning in him.
“Yeah, and I got fired for it this time. Because of your stupid mistake.”
A lump built in his throat, cutting off his airway. His gaze momentarily travelled to his daughter, and a sliver of disappointment began to gnaw at him for leaving her again. “I’ll fix it, Audrey. I swear I’ll fix it. Please, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for doing this.”
“You keep saying that but it’s the same thing every day of my life. I’m tired of it, Gunner.”
He grew panicked, worried that if she walked into their bedroom, she would pack her things and leave him. He backed her into the wall in an attempt to talk reason into her, but she pushed him away with her hands and the pained look in her eyes.
“Audrey, what are you saying?”
She guided her daughter inside the room. “Let’s go, Leah. You had a long day.”
“Baby, I’m sorry–”
She shut the door and locked it. He called her name desperately on the other end as he continuously slammed his hands down on the door. She tried to ignore it, but her heart was overwhelmed with sorrow for both of them.
His muffled voice travelled through the door, “Rey, baby, please listen to me. Let me explain. C’mon, you know I didn’t intentionally leave her there. Please, babe. Open the door. Let’s talk about it.”
“Mommy…”
“I’m fine. Let’s just get you out of these clothes. Then I’ll make you some dinner, okay? Pancakes like you asked for.”
Audrey walked to her closet, searching for something–her mind wasn’t with her. It was occupied with thoughts of Gunner and their crumbling relationship. She hadn’t realized she had caved in on herself, knees hugged to her chest until someone had their arms around her and felt cold lips on her cheek.
“I’m so sorry, Leah. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Sobs began to build up in her chest. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
She pulled her daughter closer. This was all she’d ever have. This painful reminder of Gunner and her mistake. If she had known where loving him would have taken her, she might have just walked away from the start.
* * *
December 13th
9:08 PM
New York
“Come sit here, princess. Let me braid your hair before bed.”
After Audrey’s harsh argument with Gunner, she spent the rest of the evening attending to her daughter. Everything she wanted, she tried to provide. Leah’s requests hadn’t been too difficult to satisfy, thankfully. She asked for blueberry pancakes, honey, and syrup, to which Audrey obliged. Once she had finished eating, they lounged around together in the living room while Leah told her the wildest stories of her imagination. Then she wanted a movie, and a movie was what she got. Hot chocolate and marshmallows came next. And right before bed, she had given her a warm bath.
They had done all this and managed to avoid Gunner. Her boyfriend, knowing they weren’t in a good place, had locked himself inside their shared bedroom and was likely smoking his troubles away. He can do whatever he wants. Right now, all that matters is Leah.
“Hey, mommy?”
“Yeah, sweetheart?”
“Where did daddy go today?” she asked the one question that was impossible for Audrey to answer. “How come he forgot about me?”
She wove her daughter’s hair, using it as a distraction from the question at hand. “That’s something you’ll have to ask him, Leah. Because honestly, I don’t know. He’s… you know how he is. He’s forgetful.”
Her daughter leaned backward into her soft body. “But he promised,” sadness laced her tone.
“I know, princess.” She finished weaving the fishtail braid and tossed it over her shoulder. “I’m sorry he hurt you. But he tries hard for us both. He makes a ton of mistakes in the process, but he’s doing his best. That includes trying for you. He didn’t make it to school today because he was busy working.”
Working wasn’t the term she liked to use, but it was the only way she could explain things to her daughter. She hoped it would make sense. “What kind of work does daddy do? He’s never told me before.”
“He…” Audrey sought a way to avoid the truth. “He goes to different places all over the city for work. He sells things to people.”
“I think Mrs. Lancaster said those people are called salesmen when we were learning about jobs we wanted to do when we grew up.”
Leah’s naive nature never failed to surprise her. In some aspects though, she would admit that she wasn’t too far of. He did sell things, just not legal things.
“Hm, and do you know what you wanna be when you grow up, Leah?” Audrey realized how terrible of a mother she was. They hardly had time to bond, they hardly ever spoke about all the things her daughter loved. It was always about Gunner and his mistakes.
“I wanna be an artist!” her daughter squealed, her aura doused in exuberance. “I like drawing and painting and Mrs. Lancaster told me that if I’m ever sad, I can draw to feel better. She lets me bring the class crayons home sometimes and gives me lots of paper to make pictures for the classroom.”
“That’s wonderful, Leah.” Audrey chuckled, recalling her lost passion for art and how her parents had tried to suppress it. At least she learned from them, knowing not to stifle Leah’s interests. “I’m sure that you’ll be an amazing artist one day. Don’t stop drawing, okay? If you love something, you pursue it.”
Leah pouted. “Pursue? What’s that mean?”
“It means you do what you love—you try your best to get what you want.”
“I love babies, so I wanna pursue a baby!”
“Leah!” Audrey dissolved into laughter and threw her head back. “That’s not how you use that word. If you want a baby, you say, when I’m older, I’d like to have a baby. Not pursue a baby. Makes sense, princess?”
“When can I have a baby, mommy? Daddy said never, but I really want one.”
She wasn’t going to repeat her parents’ mistakes. She wouldn’t leave her to fend for herself. She would do the right thing and protect her like a real mother was supposed to. “You gotta be a bit older, Leah. And you gotta find someone you love to have a baby with.”
“Someone?” Leah’s face was muddled by confusion. “Like who?”
“Like me and your daddy, for example. I love him and we had a baby, and that baby was you. So when you get older and think you’re ready for a baby, you can have one.”
“Where does the baby come from?”
“That’s something for another time, princess.”
“But daddy hurts you sometimes, doesn’t he, mommy? I hate it when you cry because of daddy. It makes me sad too.” She was too young to understand the dynamic of Audrey and Gunner’s relationship, and yet she was stuck in the middle of the two people she loved the most. Her feelings were in conflict.
Audrey’s arm hugged Leah’s shoulders and she rested her chin on her head. “I don’t want you worrying about me and your daddy, Leah. We’ll be okay. We always are.”
“Daddy hates me.” Glumness overtook her features. “What Kaylee said was true.”
“It’s not true.” Gunner was a lot of things, but he wasn’t hateful. It just wasn’t in his nature to be that way. “Your dad might not be perfect, but I know for certain he loves you. Ever since you were born, you’ve been his favourite person. I think he loves you even more than me sometimes. That’s how special you are. And I love you too.”
Leah remained silent as if she wasn’t convinced by her answer. One way or another, they would get through this patch. They had to.
“I love daddy. I wanna tell him that I do so that he’ll stop being all angry and sad by himself.”
Audrey pecked her temple, spinning a lie as she spoke. “You can tell him tomorrow. Right now, he’s sleeping and we don’t wanna wake him up because he’s really tired, hm.”
“Fine,” Leah huffed. “I’ll tell him tomorrow.”
“Your teacher told me that you’re throwing tantrums in class,” Audrey said, albeit with regret. She didn’t want to blame Leah for her and Gunner’s shortcomings. “Is that true?”
Leah turned around on her lap, wearing a guise of embarrassment. “Sometimes I get angry, mommy. That’s why.”
She knew why. Projecting was what her teacher had called it. Everything she saw at home, she practised at school. “Can you tell me why you get angry, princess?”
“I don’t know.” Her daughter’s eyes glazed over with fresh tears. It was less about sorrow and more about shame. “I’m not smart like the other girls in my class. And I don’t have a lot of friends like them. Their mommies and daddies always pick them up after school and they wear really pretty clothes. They tell me that I can’t be their friend because I’m different.”
“Oh, Leah…” Audrey locked her in an embrace of comfort. “I’m so sorry, my baby.”
“I try to be their friend sometimes, but they never let me, mommy.” Tremors seized her body. “I can’t sit with them in class or play with them at recess. I’m all alone. That’s why I get angry.”
Audrey was left speechless.
“I accidentally pushed one of the girls off the swing today at recess. I got in trouble with Ms. Lancaster,” her daughter confessed timidly.
“Was it really an accident, Leah? Be honest. I’m not mad. I just want to understand how you feel.”
She wrung her hands together, fearfully looking up at Audrey. “I did it on purpose. They wouldn’t let me use the swing so I pushed her off. I’m sorry, mommy.”
“Is this the first time you’ve pushed someone?”
“No. I did it before too. And I’ve said mean things…”
The line between being a victim and a bully was so blurry that Audrey didn’t know which one to coin her daughter as. “Sweetheart, I know school’s been tough, but that’s no excuse to hurt other people. You have to be kind no matter the person. Sticking up for yourself is important, but there’s a difference between that and hurting others.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” She looked like at any moment, tears would erupt from her eyes. “I won’t hurt other people.”
This was another thing that Audrey yet again failed at. Her daughter was hurting and she had been blind to her affliction. It was always about Gunner, never about her daughter. Always about getting him help, always about getting him on track, always about making sure he was fine while their daughter was cast aside. What sort of mother was she? To put other people before her daughter was unforgivable.
“You’re not alone, Leah,” she stated confidently. “You have me. Your mommy won’t ever let you be alone.”
Leah tipped her head back, her gaze settling on that of her mother’s. “You promise, mommy?”
“I promise.” Her fingers stroked the loose hairs that had come undone from the braid. “If you ever feel angry or upset, you talk to me about it and we’ll fix whatever’s bothering you. There’s no need for you to throw tantrums in class anymore, okay?”
Her little girl’s smile shone through her gloom. “Okay.”
“Now, you had a long day,” she started, her lips forming a gentle grin. “It’s time for bed.”
Audrey stood up from the floor and then outstretched a hand for Leah to take. She walked her to the bed and helped her get settled in under the covers. “Sleep well. Sweet dreams.”
“Goodnight, mommy,” Leah responded with a lazy yawn.
“Get some shut-eye. I’ll stay until you’re asleep.”
Slowly but surely, sleep came to her daughter in a matter of minutes. It must have been the exhaustion of the day’s events that pulled her into a deep slumber so easily. Audrey pitied her. She was going through so much for a girl her age; a girl who deserved nothing but happiness and nothing but a simple life with her family, not this complicated mess that was her home. I’ll fix everything, Leah. She had no other options. The moment she brought Leah into this world, she had a responsibility like no other, and lately, she had been slacking on that responsibility.
But not anymore. Leah needed her, so she would have to be here.
For once in her life, she had to put somebody else above Gunner, and that was her daughter.
