“You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart.” – Franz Kafka
^^Ray’s P.O.V^^
Continuation of the previous chapter…
The overwhelming emotions of disappointment, grief and heartbreak in her eyes made me rooted to the ground. I wanted to take steps toward her and check her situation but my feet were glued to the ground. This was the third time I had seen a different emotion other than appreciation in her eyes when she looked at me but the first time I saw heartbreak within those.
The guilt filled in me. The hand which was holding the gun was shaking non-stop, so I put it inside the pocket. The damn rain won’t stop either!!
When Rick turned back to face her, the shock on his face was evident. I couldn’t answer him so shoved my phone at him. As he was about to leave, I got panicked by her laughter. Her laughter described her state; she was going to lose her mind.
She spoke a bunch of things to Rick and then declared her love to me and began to regret it. She was right about one thing; I had never perceived her feeling and had always taken her as a chess piece to get the things I desired. Was she important to me?- I don’t know the answer myself.
When she said she gave up on me, my heart suddenly felt heavy. My mind tried to ignore her but my heart couldn’t. I was in a dilemma. I felt as if a sharp knife was pointed at my throat when she reached the edge. I was about to take a step toward her, she smiled, bid us goodbye, and jumped off the cliff. Rick immediately rushed to the cliff and shouted her name.
But me…I couldn’t move a single step, only my hand remained in the mid-air imaging to catch her.
I felt as if I had lost something very precious to me. Why do I feel as if I have forgotten something, or someone crucial to me was deleted from my mind? She declared her love to me from time to time but why the meeting with her in the past is unclear in my memory. I accept that I tried to approach her due to selfish reasons but I don’t think I have crossed the line.
‘Is something really wrong with me?’ for the first time, doubt entered my mind.
She was an adult, not a kid, so she should be responsible for herself. My mind was trying to console me with a reason but my heart was feeling unbearable pain.
The police officer called out his men and sealed the cliff after she jumped off.
Unknowingly, I suddenly had a blackout. I was in my room the next day when I gained consciousness. I was told to rest and nobody let me leave the room for a week.
After a week Ria was back from the hospital and I got busy for a whole another week. Rick and I hadn’t been in direct contact for a month and only messaged each other.
##End of Roy’s view on the incident##
It had been a long time, I had stayed in the shower. Suddenly I sneezed and that brought me back from my nightmares.
Returning back to my room, I dressed up. I tried to lay on the bed but couldn’t fall asleep.
After twenty minutes I stood up from the bed, opened the drawer, grabbed a car key, and went to the garage.
I was busy all those years and didn’t have time to enjoy driving, much more to race. Pulling off the car cover, a sports car came into view. Inserting the key, I drove off from the Smith’s residence ( my home). I chose the car because it made less sound and I could race the car at high speed.
I was standing on the top of Yula mountain when I sensed someone was poking my shoulder. I didn’t know why in the dark did I travel to this place but my heart was not peaceful since I had a nightmare. Every time I had the same nightmare I could stay calm after a few hours but today I was feeling very uncomfortable.
It was soon going to be dawn. With the poking on my shoulder, I noticed someone other than me was present here.
“Roy, why are you here?” Hearing the sound first I was shocked but later consoled myself of the reasons.
“Rick, you are here too.” (Yes, the person who was present was Rick)
“I am here to–” he stammered while speaking.
“No need to speak further. I had a nightmare about that incident so couldn’t sleep. I want to visit here for the last time. We both have to move on.”
“Me too…I don’t understand… why she did all those things. She was never so heartless before…”
I remained quiet too because I used to think the same as him. I haven’t known her for long, only about three to four months ago. But I knew her existence a few years ago when I had some obligation to fulfill. I had wanted to reach her to fulfill my task but something happened later that I don’t remember clearly. Later without my effort, the task was completed or I thought so.
We both stayed by the side and got lost in our own thoughts.
Standing at the top of the cliff, I could visualize her disappointment-filled eyes accusing me of my crime and not believing in her. How could I believe her more than the evidence that was before my eyes? Why do I feel as if she was waiting for my response much more than Rick’s, the whole time during that incident?
I mock myself for feeling so. How could she put her hope on me more than Rick? Maybe that was the illusion I saw.
The sunrise could be seen from the top. The sound of an alarm on Rick’s phone brought both of us back to reality.
I decide to face Rick so breaking the silence I questioned, ” It has been a long time you returned here, how would you know her change either…Don’t blame yourself for her fault. You aren’t responsible for her actions. You remember the word you said that day, don’t you? That’s the truth so accept it.”
He lowered his head and stayed silent. Maybe he was blaming himself too.
“Roy, let me ask you a question today. Maybe the question won’t value anymore after today day’s passed…Did you ever feel any kind of emotions toward her? Like you like her or care for her… any sort of feelings besides neglecting her all these months–?” Rick raised a question.
“No, I have someone I loved my whole life. So I don’t want anyone to distract me or make me confuse. Besides my soon-to-be wife, I don’t have feelings for anyone.” I replied in confidence and that was what my mind transmitted to me. In the battle between my mind and heart, I sided with the mind. (He didn’t know, he would regret his word later in the future)
But that wasn’t the whole truth…For Ava, I don’t know why but my heart cares for her. I had pushed her far because I was afraid of losing my emotions. I couldn’t see tears in her eyes. Maybe I was used to seeing her smiling and happy face. I don’t understand my own thought. I can’t say these things to Rick either.
Rick: “Then that’s good. Hope you won’t regret it. Why talk about the person who is no more? With the gunshot plus falling into this poisonous abyss, she won’t be able to stay alive. May her soul rest in peace.”
With his word, I felt guilt swelling in me. I also think she won’t survive. Maybe the entanglement with her had ended.
It was time for both of us to leave as it was already dawn. It was soon going to be a big and happy day for both of our families. We as the lead character couldn’t miss our big day.
“Yeah, let’s return back. Let’s not make trouble today.”
“Okay.”
Reaching the foot of the Yula mountain, I turned back to face the mountain for the last time and drove back.
