one

December 11th
9:34 PM
New York
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Audrey Rahal smiled contritely when the old woman opened the apartment door.

“Late again, Miss Rahal. You promised six o’clock on the dot. You’re three hours and thirty-four minutes late.” She said, all the while glaring down at the wristwatch on her thin wrist. “You’re lucky Leah’s been a little angel, or else I would’ve left her outside.”

A sigh effused into the cool air between them as Audrey clutched the strap of her messenger bag tightly over her sore shoulder. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Shapiro, it won’t happen again. I’ve just been picking up extra shifts, that’s all.”

The woman’s brown, wrinkled face softened and the onyx of her eyes lightened, if so, in understanding. She assessed Audrey in an odd way, looking behind the faux smile she could barely keep hanging on her lips.

“You’re a hardworking girl, Rahal. But your daughter needs you too.”

“It’s Audrey, Mrs. Shapiro. Rahal is my last name.”

The woman grinned from ear to ear and put that one chipped tooth on display. “Same difference, little lady. Now, I won’t hold you any longer than I already have–Leah, dear, your mother’s here for you!”

Audrey’s gaze, weary and heavy, glanced over Mrs. Shapiro’s shoulder at the small girl skipping towards the door, holding her schoolbag to her chest as her round, hazel eyes peeked from beneath the hair falling over her face. “Mommy!”

“Hey, my sweet girl,” she crouched down with open arms. “I missed you, baby.”

“I made something for you at school today,” Leah beamed, snuggling into Audrey’s willowy arms as lips were alighted atop her head. “Mrs. Lancaster said we could all draw something special for our parents, and I drew all of us. Can we put it on the fridge?”

“We’ll put it up with all the others. I’d love to see it once we get home,” Audrey’s lips morphed into a smile of geniality and she stood, ruffling Leah’s dark hair before turning to the old woman with a grateful nod. “Thank you, Mrs. Shapiro. I’m sorry for all the trouble.”

She threw her head back, a raspy guffaw resounding in the empty hallway. “Anything you need, little lady. Retirement makes you lazy, I’m just glad I have something to do.”

“Thank you again,” Audrey said. Her hand found Leah’s and held it, the warmth of her motherly touch drawing her daughter closer. And if anything, causing an eruption where there once had been something empty inside both of them. “Goodnight, Mrs. Shapiro.”

They left. Audrey led them both towards the elevator. They were to go two floors up, make a left, and stop three doors down. The dingy building smelt of mildew and smoke while the lights radiated a dull yellow shine. The walls were so thin, amplifying the sounds behind every closed door. This apartment complex was a terrible place, but better a roof over their heads than nothing. Besides, they’d made it home. Her daughter, her boyfriend, and herself. She knew they’d be okay somehow if she just kept working.

The elevator opened with a ding and they both hurried in. Leah pushed the silver button and the doors shut with a heavy thud.

“Is daddy going to be home today?” Leah rubbed her button nose with the sleeve of her black coat and sniffled, the cold already penetrating through her body despite the heat her mother’s body provided as she carried her in her arms. “I wanna show him the picture too,” she wriggled out of her mother’s arms and took her hand instead.

Audrey leaned back against the steel wall and glanced up at the changing numbers. “I don’t really know, princess. He’s probably out with friends.” Like usual.

Leah kicked her feet out in front of her and surveyed her grey boots. She wanted the pink ones, she recalled their trip to the mall–it had been polka dotted, pink and black and white, and she’d never set her eyes on anything so wondrous before. But they’d been expensive, and Audrey couldn’t afford anything extra last month. They barely made rent.

Arriving on their floor, they stepped out, and by routine made a left and walked three doors down. Apartment 710: home. Rummaging through her bag, she pulled out her key and fit it into the lock. As the door swung open, she was greeted with a mix of smells–alcohol and smoke–like a broken home. Like broken people.

“Gunner?” The apartment was eerily silent except for her voice bouncing off the thin walls. “Gunner, are you home?”

Audrey helped Leah shed her jacket and boots, more agitated by the minute without a response from her boyfriend. Her stomach clenched, hands trembling and her heart palpated wildly.

“Mommy, is he gone again?”

“I don’t know, Leah,” she bit her lip to mask her growing concern, “we’ll go check inside. Maybe he’s just asleep.”

A pair of glistening hazels blinked up at her as she stood and smiled. “It’s been a long day and I think a warm bath sounds perfect, then some dinner before I tuck you in.”

She clutched Audrey’s leg and let her gaze fall to her sock-clad feet. “But I’m hungry now.”

“Then we better hurry,” she chuckled and patted her head.

Leah had taken all of her looks with nothing to spare. Gunner had been so surprised when he held her in his arms for the very first time. He loved his daughter, Audrey never doubted it, and he constantly teased her about their identical resemblance. The only difference was Leah’s eyes, which were a bright hazel, mixed with streaks of green. Compared to Audrey’s amber hues, her daughter’s eyes were mostly a product of her father’s genetics. Aside from looks, however, Leah’s entire demeanour reminded her of Gunner.

He was a kind person, and she believed wholeheartedly. Closed-off and stubborn, but with a light heart. Being with him for their first two years and bringing their own little gift into this world, she was able to see past his exterior; he was gold, and she was in love.

“Mommy…” Leah called as they bypassed the empty bottle of beers on the floor. “I thought you wouldn’t come back today, I was scared.”

She turned around and put the bags down next to her. “I’d never leave you, baby. You know, sometimes I sneak out a little early just to come to pick you up. Like yesterday, I left work two hours before my shift was over just so I could be there when you got home from school.”

Her daughter’s beige skin burned a bright crimson. “Kaylee said my mommy doesn’t love me, that’s why she doesn’t come to school every day.”

“Who’s Kaylee, sweetheart? You’ve never mentioned her before.”

“She’s in my class,” Leah said. “Sometimes she’s really mean and tells the other girls not to play with me at recess. She always wears pretty skirts and dresses. Her daddy drives a big fancy car when he comes to pick her up. She also told us her house is really big too.”

Bullies. They were Audrey’s pet peeve. She knew a few things about girls like her who grew up spoiled and privileged, always praised for being the best even when their best was at the expense of others. She didn’t want her daughter to compare herself to such people. Leah was loved. They may have not been able to afford an expensive apartment or drive nice cars, but their love made up for it.

“Don’t listen to anything she says to you. You know you’re the smartest, prettiest, funniest, and cutest little girl on the planet.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

Leah blushed.

“I love you, Leah.” Audrey knelt, her fingers sweeping aside the loose locks of hair behind her ears. “Forever and always.”

“What about daddy?”

“He loves you too,” and she kissed her forehead. “Now, about that bath…”

A deep groan arose behind a closed door. The bathroom? Audrey stood and snuck forward, pressing her ear against the smooth surface, listening for signs of those foreign sounds.

“Is that daddy?” Leah tip-toed forward and followed suit, listening closely. “Is he okay?”

“Gunner, is that you?” Audrey asked.

She set a hand on the cold knob and twisted. The door opened slowly, and as she gazed through the widening crack, a figure lay motionless on the white tiles, hunched over itself.

Another groan left him. “Fu…ck.”

“Oh my God!” She almost lost her footing as she rushed inside the bathroom. Everything inside her ached, her skin blanched and went hot and cold at the same time. Her half-conscious boyfriend was in her arms, moaning in agony and clutching the front of her coat until his knuckles turned white.

“I took too much,” Gunner wheezed. He stared at her, more so his eyes appeared to be fixed on her but couldn’t focus. “I’m hurting so bad, baby.”

Another compression began in his chest, the tickle of a smoker’s cough rippling through the room and the metallic taste of his own blood smelting against his tastebuds.

With each painful expansion of his lungs, he recalled days in tenth grade when he’d sneak to the back of the school and light cigarette after cigarette, inhale and exhale all that smoke like it was nothing. His lungs must’ve hated him then, they certainly hated him now, and he was sure his daughter did too.

“Um, Mommy?”

Audrey’s head snapped up at her daughter, her lips trembling and face wrought with concern. The sight was horrid, too much for a six-year-old girl to witness. “Go wait for me in your room, Leah.”

“But…” She held onto the knob tightly and looked on in fear. “He’s not okay…”

“Just wait for me, alright? We’ll be out soon.”

Leah was hesitant, but she closed the door softly and her footsteps began to disappear. Audrey averted her attention back to Gunner. “What happened, Gun?”

His eyes flickered to her for a moment. He held her fearful gaze steady, appearing just as unsure as she was. “I mixed the Adderall and…weed together. It was fine at first, then I started to…feel like shit and I’ve got…pain all over.”

Audrey pressed her cheek to his burning forehead and let her arms tighten around his shivering body. This had happened so often that she had taught herself not to cry. But he always reopened her wounds and she didn’t know how much more she could take.

“You promised to stop,” she muttered. “At least for Leah’s sake.”

“Does she hate me?”

“No, baby. She loves you.” Audrey looked down into his faded green eyes. “She just wants you to be okay. But this isn’t fair to her and you know it.”

Gunner attempted to sit himself up. He was stopped by the brutal throbbing in his skull and Audrey’s easy whispers. “Hey, it’s okay, don’t move too much.”

“You’re pissed at me, aren’t you?” he took laboured breaths. “You’re always pissed at me, Audrey. I can tell. Disappointed. Angry. Tired. Of me, baby? Are you tired of me?”

I’m tired of watching you do this to yourself. “Of course not, Gunner. I care about you so much.”

“People get tired of caring too.”

“I’m not those people.”

Incomplete Code Word #3

Code Letter Found: 0-K-0-0-0-0-0-0

He didn’t argue, but she could see the mild optimism in his eyes. “Let’s clean you up and get you to bed, okay? You need some sleep.”

“Go take care of my kiddo first.” He wheezed out in laughter, coughing soon after as he forced himself to sit. His voice had as much life in it as his heart did; none. “She’s been waiting for you.”

Audrey left him with one last kiss on his forehead and got to her feet, albeit unsteady. She felt a light tug on her hand and watched Gunner’s eyes flutter closed. “Hey, I really love you, Rey. I’ll get better.”

Walking out of the bathroom she hurried towards Leah’s bedroom only to find her changed into her pyjamas and lying in bed. Audrey wondered what it must’ve felt like for her to witness things like this. Most girls her age worried about dolls and tea parties and princesses. Not a drug-addicted father or working mother. She felt guilty for snatching Leah’s childhood from her.

It bothered her that her daughter didn’t have the chance to experience what being a child was when Audrey was always moving from one shift to the next, when her father would rather spend his evenings on his friend’s couch, and when all she’d ever known was the chaos of their dysfunctional lives. The Bronx was no place for innocent souls because it had its own way of stealing the good and encouraging the worst in people.

And Audrey didn’t want that for her daughter. But what could she do when her parents couldn’t stand the mere sight of her since she announced her pregnancy and when she could only live from paycheck to paycheck?

She sat on the edge of her bed and gently stroked her hair, watching her expression soften. “You saw all that, Leah. I’m sorry.”

Bright eyes peered up at Audrey. “It’s okay. I just want you and daddy not to be sad.”

She smiled. “You don’t want dinner anymore?”

Leah shook her head and snuggled closer. “Is daddy okay now? He looked really sick in the bathroom.”

“He’s getting better.”

Light poured into the bedroom, and Gunner’s figure lazily slouched back against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest and face guilt-ridden. “How’s my kiddo feeling today?”

Although she had asked to see him all day, given this rare opportunity, she was suddenly overcome with conflict. Audrey understood the feeling all too well. “I’m okay,” she said, voice flat.

“How was school?” His steps were unsteady as he walked forward. Audrey caught him by the arm before he could lose his footing and fall over.

She pulled the blanket up to her face and hid beneath. Except for her eyes, which were revealed and disquieted, she felt protected by her blanket. She was afraid to speak to him because she didn’t understand what was wrong.

“I’m so sorry, Leah. I’m so fucking sorry that you have to see this.”

“Gunner,” Audrey warned. “Watch how you speak around her.”

“I’m sorry…”

Despite his sincerity, the apology only further deepened the scowl on her face. “Audrey, please, I didn’t mean it.”

“Not now, Gunner. Not here.”

Leah lowered the blanket. “Are you sick, daddy?”

He didn’t answer.

She released his arms and guided him away from Leah’s bed. Turning her head aside so his mouth caught her cheek and not her lips only widened whatever rift was growing between them.

Meeting his crestfallen gaze, she had only noticed the sickly hue of his milky skin and picked up on his hard breathing. He ran a hand through his unkempt blonde hair out of habit, also using it as a distraction to push her eyes away.

“Goodnight, mommy. Goodnight, daddy.” Audrey took a deep breath and offered the softest glance she could muster toward Leah. She pulled the covers up to her chin and stared as they were off on their way to the bedroom right over.

Inside their shared room, Audrey led her boyfriend to their bed and carefully laid his head down on the cold pillow. She wandered away from his side for a minute and went to the dresser, opened the second drawer, and grabbed a pair of his sweatpants. Without exchanging a word with him, she helped him change out of his jeans and wore him his sweatpants. Then she sat him up and tugged his t-shirt over his head before discarding it on the carpet. She felt more like his mother than a girlfriend sometimes, and although she would never tell him the truth, she was getting tired of it.

“Comfortable now?” She put the back of her hand on his forehead. “You need anything else? Want something to eat or do you want some water?”

“I’m just tired.” She had the gut feeling that he wasn’t only referring to physical fatigue.

The number of times she’d done this in the past year was uncountable. She learned to detach herself from all the emotions that stemmed from a loved one falling sick. It had just become so routine that there was no point in excessively worrying if he’d get better. Once he did, he’d be off looking for his next high then pretend he didn’t mean to hurt them and eventually fall sick again.

“You’re burning up,” she noted. “But I don’t think you have a fever. You’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

“I’ll make it up to you, Rey. I promise,” his voice was weak and broke at the seams.

“Don’t worry about it, Gunner. Just get some sleep.”

He patted the empty space next to him and looked at her hopefully. “Sleep with me.”

“Close your eyes, Gun. You need some rest, okay?”

“But, Audrey…” he rasped. “Come here. Come and stay with me. I’m sorry. Stop avoiding me. Please.”

“I’ll join you soon, I just need to change first. But you go ahead,” she leaned her face down and brushed a gentle kiss against his temple. “I love you, baby.”

Gunner’s eyes were already closed, his chest rising and falling with even breaths. She shifted her attention to the dark sky outside the window.

The view of the dimly lit streets was feeble and drab. They were yet to receive snowfall. From across the street blared the sound of music and from inside the low-rise buildings came undecipherable shouts. A car pulled up by the curb of the road and out walked two men and a woman. They disappeared inside the building.

Audrey finally shut the window to drown out the noise. Her body begged for sleep, so she skipped out on taking a shower. Slinking to the opposite side of the bed, she pulled the thick sweater over her head and tossed it onto the floor, next she tugged off her jeans and finally her socks. In nothing but her underwear, she crawled underneath the covers and welcomed the satisfying nip of the crisp air on her hot skin.

Moments later she felt a strong arm drape over her waist and a warm body pressed right at her back. Audrey squeezed her eyes shut and turned all her thoughts off, leaving her a cold shell of a girl once in love, crying noiselessly into her pillow, asking God why she was here, why he was here, why they made so many mistakes, and if maybe, just maybe, there was a path to forgiveness she could take.