ten

December 14th
10:56 AM
New York
– – – – – – – – – –

Gunner had been queasy since he left the apartment with Audrey and Leah. Once the icy weather had hit him when they ambled outside, something sickening built up in his stomach and crawled its way up to his throat.

There was no way his girlfriend hadn’t noticed, but she kindly decided to keep her questions to herself. Leah was only steps ahead of them and the last thing he wanted to do was make this morning about his unfixable problems when they had been neglecting their daughter’s needs for so long. Hence why he kept his suffering to himself.

Where there had once been a feeling of euphoria from the night before sat something suffocating today. He breathed slowly but his heart was racing too fast for his body to function normally. He knew the symptoms of withdrawal well, yet he could never get used to them. Today of all days, they were unmanageable. And without Ace around to give him a small dose of heroin to curb the effects, he felt them in full force. First came the itchiness—his fingers dug into his flesh through his jacket and his fingernails dragged across his skin to soothe the itch, albeit to no avail. The second symptom was the hot sweat that beaded on his forehead, uncharacteristic to otherwise occur in cold weather like this. Perhaps the worst one of all was the restlessness that stemmed from his craving for the drug.

The world went vivid then dull, hot then cold, tipping and swaying, the noises amplified.

“…here now. Hey, Gunner, can you hear me? Gunner?”

He hadn’t realized that they’d all stopped in front of the school building. Audrey’s hand was enclosed around Leah’s mitten-clad one and she expressed disquietness as she anchored his gaze steadily.

Gunner couldn’t form any words. His body was exhausted.

“Wanna wait out here while I drop her off at her class?” she asked.

He felt himself nod and quickly turn away to hide his shame from her. He wasn’t sure how many more hours of pretending he could take. A cold sweat broke out on his forehead and back. Tremors awakened in his muscles.

“I’ll be out soon, Gun. Hang on for me.”

He should have known she’d figured him out and could understand all that was happening to him. She was the one that would take care of him and knew how to protect him. It was the same routine that they had performed for years. The next morning would roll by, he’d fall, and she’d be at it again.

He hated himself for it. How many times would he continue to use her? He didn’t know.

“Gunner, will you wait? It won’t take long.”

When she touched his shoulder he winced at the sudden contact and caved in on himself.

He crouched down on the pavement and buried his face in his arms. Audrey’s footsteps faded soon after the ringing of the school bell. The front of the school was deserted and it began to snow. But he couldn’t differentiate between the thick flurries of snow as a figment of his thoughts or reality.

It was all the same to him. Everything was always so blurry in his eyes.

It may have been seconds, minutes, hours, or days before a presence seized him with mellowness. A set of arms wrapped around his shoulders, a warm cheek pressing softly into his temple. “Wanna tell me what you did before you got home today?”

“You’re gonna be pissed at me.”

“It’s okay, Gun.” Her fingers combed the hair back from his face. “You can talk to me. Just tell me the truth. What did you use?”

Gunner writhed at the disappointment Audrey’s voice held.

“Heroin.”

“Who gave it to you?”

He blew out a sharp breath as he rubbed his hands over his eyes. “No one.”

“Tell me, Gunner.”

He shook his head.

“Gunner.”

“Ace,” he confessed. “He let me use some after you left last night and this morning. I needed something to forget about you.”

“Come on.” She hoisted him up with her and wrapped one arm around his mid-section, draping his dead limb around her shoulders and slowly led him away from the school. “Let’s get you home. You’ll be fine.”

“No,” his protest was weak. His actions were even weaker when he shrugged her arms away. “We’re supposed to talk…”

“Gunner, that can wait. You need me to help you right now.”

Frantically, he shook his head and began clawing away at his forearm again. The itching intensified, frustrating enough to bring him to tears. “Make it stop, Rey. I can’t take it.”

“Gunner, calm down. Everything’ll be okay.”

Audrey gripped his wrist and dragged him down the sidewalk, leaving the building behind them. She didn’t utter a word as they headed back to the apartment. The journey was short and suffocating. She ignored the smiles and attempts at small-talk from some residents, her only goal being to fix the broken boy she was lugging home.

“Audrey, stop!” he pleaded, wriggling his wrist in her iron grip. She held him like a vice. “I don’t want to go in there!”

Gunner suddenly came to a halt when the entrance came into view.

A few tenants went in and out, but Gunner and Audrey remained motionless. “What’s wrong?” she hissed, trying to control her anger. “Why won’t you go inside?”

He ripped his hand away and buried them in his pockets, shaking his head as hot tears poured down his face. “I don’t like it in there. I hate this place, I hate having to come here every day. It’s fucking terrible!”

“Gun, this isn’t the place for a tantrum—”

“You don’t get it!”

Audrey’s anger receded back into the depth of her heart and instead rushed out her remorse, tumbling like a waterfall until her sadness was matched with his. To see him so small and vulnerable, wearing his heart on his sleeve, raw and powerless in a way he had never been before, worried her.

“Gunner–”

He turned on his heel and scampered in the opposite direction. He needed to think, he was too warm and the snow was becoming unbearable. But Audrey wouldn’t let him rest. She followed after him as he loped from one place to the next, calling his name.

The odd stares she received had phased her in part, and by the time she had reached the cross-walk, Gunner was already across the street, his form disappearing into the busy street.

She let him go, and he wasn’t coming home anytime soon. All she prayed was that he’d be alive when she found him.

* * *

December 14th
2:00 PM
New York

‘I’m at central park.’ That was what Gunner’s text read two hours ago.

By the time Audrey arrived, teeth chattering because of how much the temperature had dropped, her boyfriend was sitting on an old park bench facing the deserted playground. The trees were bare, the grass was dead, and the sky was thick with fog.

The wind whistled in between naked branches and shook the swings, breaking gaps of eerie silence with the sharp creaking of its metal chains. It was lonesome in these parts, untouched by the rest of the city. It resembled the gloom inside her.

His head of blonde hair wasn’t hard to pick out among the dead leaves and melting snow. And he was the only living thing within this small radius–living might have been a stretch. He was only breathing. He wasn’t alive.

The breaking of leaves and twigs became the focus of Gunner’s attention. He detected her loam presence in her gentle steps and glanced back to catch a glimpse of her shy face.

“Gunner, baby…”

He turned his head back in the direction of the unoccupied swings. Audrey paused when she was close enough that she only needed to whisper to be heard. But he locked his gaze dead ahead, the whites of his eyes red from either his drugs or his tears; it was impossible for her to tell. Had he taken more? What could she do?

“I was worried about you,” she started, treading carefully with what she said. “Scared you were gonna get hurt.”

Audrey’s mind was tranquil like a lake, only rippled by the sight of Gunner, slumped into himself and cold. “I know you think I’m upset with you. I mean, I sorta am, but you’re okay. That’s all I’m grateful for right now.”

The coldness of the bench under her thighs was felt right beneath the denim. “You wanted to talk, right? We can talk here. Just tell me everything you need to; I’ll listen, I won’t run away.”

Gunner buried his frostbitten hands into the pockets of his jacket. He remained indifferent to her, though deep down, he could feel the urge to cry resurface. “I fucked up again.”

Audrey scanned his face for any sign of consolation. Finding none, she also looked ahead. “It happens, Gun. We’re human.”

“I keep fucking everything up,” he said. “Sometimes I wish we never met so that I’d have never put you through any of this shit.”

Then he gazed at her with dead eyes and whispered low, “You can go if you want to. Take Leah with you, I would understand. I deserve it.”

“I don’t think I can. I consider it sometimes, but it…I can’t do it.”

Even when he’d proven time and time again that Ace would always be his first choice and that he’d always be on the hunt for a new fix. He’d lie and cheat and steal just to make sure he smoked or sniffed or swallowed something to get his next high.

And Audrey would deal with it because she still believed there was a chance love might change him.

“I wanna get better, Rey. I just don’t know how,” Gunner breathed in deeply as his eyes brimmed. They were faded as though he had cried their colour away all these hours.

“Maybe it’s a good idea to try rehab–”

“No! Never rehab! I can do this myself, I can get better without their help.”

Audrey expelled a soft sigh, defeated. “All I need is you, Rey. You’ll help me, right? We can figure this out together,” he finished.

“We will,” she assured. “You’ll get better.”

She slipped her hand between them. Gunner took it, intertwined their fingers, and let dismal emotion fester between them.

“You’re my everything,” Audrey murmured. “You might not believe me because of the way I act, but I need you.”

She shifted closer to him. He nuzzled his face in her hair and he inhaled her sweet scent. Despite the heaviness in her stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of her body pressed against his. He felt her small body and the gentle squeeze on his own. She didn’t hesitate to hold Gunner close like this was the first time she ever held him. What he needed now was comfort. She had to be his foundation. She had to be the one to guide him through this torpid state.

“We’re gonna have a good Christmas this year. I can feel it in my gut, baby.”

Audrey’s grip on Gunner became tight and desperate. He tucked her at his side and positioned his body nearer as if to shelter her from the outside. It was like there was an opening between them that they couldn’t close. “What’re we gonna get Leah this year?”

“Maybe we should start looking today. I haven’t really given it much thought.”

She smiled into his chest and wiped the eyes she hadn’t realized shed tears. “That’d be nice.”

“She told me she wants a Christmas tree to put all the presents under.” His cold lips grazed over her cheek before he lifted their connected hands and placed a soft kiss on Audrey’s fingers.

“It’s been forever since I had one.” Six years to be precise. Before Gunner and Leah. Her days had been like a commercial; smiles and laughter and jokes, mom baking cookies and dad pinning up stockings above the fireplace while she would be in the living room with her brother as they fought over who would put the star at the top of the tree.

That was Christmas.

It was all a distant memory now.

“I kinda miss my parents.” She hung her head low, eyes cast down to her shoes. The sun tore through the thick clouds but her mind remained as grey as ever. “You think they miss me too?”

Gunner said nothing for a few minutes, but his embrace was answer enough. “They probably think about you every day. If I were them, I know I would. But don’t feel like any of it was your fault. They let you go, that’s on them.”

“I wish Leah knew them.”

“You don’t need them to tell you what’s wrong or right. Make yourself happy, baby. That’s all I want for you.”

Audrey nodded slowly, shoulders beginning to shake. “I’m really happy here with you and Leah. Tired, but I love our family.”

There was so much in his silence. She could see it on his handsome face, and whenever she asked he always made excuses and pretended to be thinking about just how beautiful she was. But she wasn’t stupid or naïve, she just didn’t want to make an issue out of everything.

“I love our family too,” his voice quieted at the end of his sentence as though he was shy to speak. “It’s the best thing I ever had. Even if we ended up on the streets, being with you would make it okay.”

He moved closer with eyes that looked deeply into her own.

“I love you, Audrey. I’m in love with you.”

Their breathing became softer, the anxious look on her face melting into a smile that mirrored his own. There was just something about each other that they would have never found in anyone else. Audrey had only fallen in love twice, once with the idea of love, and once with Gunner.

Audrey gazed up at him and he grinned down at her, eclipsing her with ardour. His arm wrapped around her waist and his hand caressed her cheek, their noses brushing. Then came the moment she shuddered and sank.

Their lips locked and moved in sync, a promise of something more to come. She was awake and connected with Gunner, it was love.