Requested Critique: Writer Chiboss’s Feedback

Hello again all! Today we have for you an article for a detailed feedback of a writer from the Discord. This feedback critique was posted with the permission of the writer to be used for other writers to see how they can improve their work by watching out for the same mistakes.

**Note Editor Comments are included within**

Chapter One – Knock on the Door!

By Chiiboss

Knock! Knock! Knock!

There was heavy a continuous knocking on the door. 

Knock! Knock! Knock!

The knocks came again, even more urgent and louder. 

(see how the added part of ‘urgent’ and ‘louder’ add more imagery to the scene. As well as a little suspense. It’s important to use the details in a way that add imagery. Try not to tell but show. How is something happening? Use the 5 senses to add imagery. If you say, Sarah eats pie, describe it in a detailed way; Sarah smelled the mouthwatering pie, and as if she was ready to dig in just like she would eat a sloppy joe or burger, she eagerly clutched the plate of pie and stuffed it into her mouth. She greedily munched down on the pie that smelled of cherries and tasted like the sweetest and tangiest flavors. See how all senses were described with just two sentences? This is show don’t tell. Try to use more show instead of tell. Writing is creative not informative so think abt the different ways you can describe things in unique ways 😉 )

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock!

but no There was no reply.

Knock! Knock—!

“—Oh, forget it!” Tired of being ignored, (perfect time to introduce character names), Mira the knocker kept on knocking until she got tired of knocking and opened the unlocked door.  

Immediately she entered into a dark, dank, cramped room. (describe more on what the bedroom looks like. Readers need to know where we are to get a picture of the scene. We do not know if this is even a bedroom unless you describe it. What do the walls look like? The floors? Carpet or wooden? Modern style house? Fantasy style house? A girl’s room? A boy’s room? Describe it).

The owner of the dark room and the reason for the room’s moody depressed aura was she met a tired mopey bored(word choice here doesn’t sound right. Perhaps switch out for a word that describes someone who is feeling sad, lonely, trapped) face. 

“Kelly,” Mira sighed. “You didn’t answer the door.” 

Kelly, who was laying down on her bed looking at her room ceiling the roof, remained quiet.

She lay there thinking about her life, and what a mess it had become. Almost as if…her life has been a mess, what can she do about it, she cannot do anything about it. like overnight, her whole world had changed. 

she is about to face her biggest fear from childhood, 

All of her biggest fears were about to become true, and it all started with the big M. Marriage. She was about to be married to a man she didn’t want to marry (practice on finding those golden points to drop information abt the plot. Here would be a good time to drop hints about why she doesn’t want to get married. Does she not like the person she is going to marry? Does she hate him? Explain it). marriage, yes marriage is her biggest fear, she doesn’t wanna get married but has come for her and she can’t run away from it. 

Mrs. (character’s married name), I know you hear me,” Mira said happily while joining her bored friend on the bed. but her friend didn’t even turn to look at her rather she dismissed her.

“Please go back, you forgot to knock, and don’t come in if you weren’t given any reply.” 

“Don’t call me that,” Kelly huffed, turning her backside to her friend.

“Oh come on, Kells!” Mira nudged her shoulder. “What’s up with your moody face? Today is your wedding day. This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.”   

“I want to be left alone.” As she lay there, her blonde hair was also laying with her on the bed, her pointed nose looked curved and her red lips looks so dried up. Her eyes were dim with worries, and her creamy body look so pale. she was scared of the future that awaited her. ” my baby girl is getting married today, am so happy for you babe, ” 

” Please go back, you forgot to knock, and don’t come in if you weren’t given any reply” ” Kelly can you stop being silly for once, so that we can be able to prepare for the work at hand, which is your wedding,” Mira said and breathed out ” well” she began with a smile ” I booked a large cake, event center, and one more thing !, I invited all the men in the clubhouse to witness your wedding and some other people which I know that this your wedding is gonna be great,” she said with happiness written all over her face but when she looked at the person she’s talking with she noticed that the person wasn’t paying her any attention at all, so she went closer to her. ” so tell me, what’s bordering you? ” Kelly came back from her boring state and looked at her friend 

” Mira can you please explain to me how a woman can be able to stay with one man through the rest of her life, is gonna be frustrating ” 

” but you have to try ” 

” try you say, you of all people should know how much I love sex ” 

” but you have to fight against that urge, after all, your husband can satisfy you ” ” I can’t keep eating pizza every day, I will get used to it” 

” but you don’t have any other choice here, do you ?” Mira asked with raised brows but Kelly scrunched up her face immediately 

” I can’t believe my parents did this to me, I always inform them of my intention of not getting married but they kept on pursuing me and now, they had signed a contract marriage with a foolish handsome guy I met at the club ” 

” baby girl, you don’t have to worry, you will be okay, ” Mira said trying to make her feel better by holding her both cheeks and pinching them ” why do you think I invited all the members of the clubhouse in the first place, coz I wanted them to get to their notice that you have been taken so they can back off ” 

” Mira, you just don’t understand, I can’t do this, and if I was to do it, after giving birth to two kids am done, I will divorce him and continue my life ” Kelly stated with a determined face ” you can’t do that !” Mira was shocked “your children are gonna hate you for that ” ” for all, I care” Kelly rolled her eyes” I can come from time to time to visit them ” Mira sighed exasperatedly before she stood up ” the did have been done so all you need to know is that you are getting married today and nothing is gonna stop it, so” she stretched her hands towards Kelly ” are you going or not? ” Kelly just rolled her eyes before holding the hand being stretched at her and Mira brought her up

” let’s go partying ” Mira announced 

when they came outside they met their two other friends who were waiting for them outside, so that they can be able to take Kelly to the salon for the preparation of her wedding. They had tried in so many to make sure that Kelly got married but she always prove strong head to do that.

Additional Notes:

Interesting story so far. I think you are building on something that has a lot of potential but I would say work on these major things:

Character Introductions

Narrator POV Rules

Past/Present Tense Switching

Dialogue Grammar Rules

Formatting Sentences + Grammar Issues (I’d recommend using Grammarly or ProWritingAid to help with your grammatical errors. Or use google docs and use the spell/grammar checker feature)
Describing Setting/Scenery

Using Creative Language like metaphors and sounds (onamonapia)

Show don’t tell 

Improve your Writing: Show, Not Tell

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