Previously, I talked about how age comes into play while engaged in conversation (or rather, interaction). I focused on the circumstances where a younger party took the initiative to speak with me, their older party. Now, let me examine the opposite, where an older party took the initiative to speak with me as the younger party.
There’s a confusing set of social rules that elders follow when interacting not just with each other, but also to younger persons. I spend more time with older folks than people of my own age or younger, and yet it is never as in depth as I would experience in the short time with peers or children. There seems to be a natural nonchalance when elders speak, one that dismisses anything that is outside of their formulaic communication style or challenges their preconceptions of the world.
This is justified, I think, by their experiences and length of time spent in the world, having witnessed at least two generations’ habits and survived them. Conversation may not be conducted to gather information, but to establish one’s footing in the setting and declare oneself. In this way, the “rules” of conversation are absolute, and a violation of said rules is to offend them, who had learned to thrive off of these unsaid rules.
Once again, this is justified, but it is also tedious to engage with if you are not of the same generation or a businesslike mindset.
While as a freshman in high school, I had a lot of colorful pens and pencils to doodle with and embellish my school projects for whenever I was allowed or encouraged to. In my engineering class, we were to design a packaging box for a wooden puzzle block we made earlier in the semester. Of course, I felt excited, and went with the theme of a galaxy, since my puzzle blocks would reveal stars if you took it apart and become one elegant-toned cube when put together.
The design of the box itself was simple, but exaggerated because of the colorful pens I used. Since they were gel pens, it was easy to “blend” the colors into an ombre effect, which stood out against the paint-based markers I used to cover the rest of the box in monochrome colors. Matte versus glazed gel, of course such a design would pop with little effort.
On the day that we presented our completed puzzles and packaging to our peers, an older gentleman visited the engineering teacher for whatever reason (I think he was the AP English teacher, or one of the music teachers? A liberal arts teacher) and happened to sidle up along my side of the classroom.
He saw my cube and loudly said something along the lines of, “That’s fantastic. You know, you could work at Disney with skills like that.”
I thanked him and did the usual asian humble-brag thing, but he, a caucasian gentlemen, didn’t seem to pick up on it and further explained that he had several friends who worked at Disney and could also guarantee his words. Yes, I used race to enhance my description here because the overall effect of upbringing in these racial groups do contribute to my comprehension of our interaction at that time. Don’t let that be the focus.
The focus was this: What was the point of bringing up Disney to compliment someone? What was the point of introducing the fact that he had friends at Disney?
Compliments between peers or similar age groups are usually focused on the subject itself or related to digressions into current fascinations (such as anime or emo themes). For example, “I like how that looks,” or, “that reminds me of One Piece”. This gives room for one to share excitement over the subject and explore it in depth in response to the compliment.
But how should one respond to, “You could work at Disney”? For context, I had no interest in a career in animation or even visual arts in general, much less working for the Mouse. Being unfamiliar with this gentleman, how could I say this? What’s wrong with just taking the compliment?
So I did accept the compliment, but the accepting statement may have been convoluted in his ears as rejection due to the asian humble-brag, so he continued to reinforce his authority in such a subject by saying that he had friends who worked at Disney.
To which I thought, okay? Doing what? Disney isn’t just full of animators, there are also project managers, talent scouts, promotional agents, writers… What did that have to do with my cool little cube?
Just as suddenly as the conversation started, he walked away to talk with the engineering teacher, and I was left alone and confused.
Really, what was the point of bringing up the fact that he had friends at Disney? You say that and then walk away? Hey, I wasn’t shooting for a job at Disney, but if you were offering connections, who was I, a high schooler, to refuse? What?
Also, what was the significance of the brief conversation? If you see something that you like, is it not enough to think it in your head, or else bluntly say so and then walk away?
I think this was an example of the grandeur of the older generation, for this was not the first nor the last time I had experienced or witnessed such an episode (between two people with a large age gap). To supplement their ego (a supplement we all need and crave regardless of age), they bring up universal concepts in relation to themselves in some way that grants them a sense of superiority in the setting.
A sense of superiority indeed! Elders are not only deserving of respect, but also demand it. The first half is fine and well justified in my opinion — when I get to that age, I too want to be treated well without having to prove myself — but then, what is the purpose of the second half? Are they still stuck in the narrative that they must fight for respect? Fight for awe? Fight for recognition amongst these people who don’t know you and most likely will be unable to connect with you in this brief moment of contact?
That means that even in that age, I will have to prove myself? Older gentleman, worth will shine! I had a much better evaluation of you in my head before you said anything, you know! Why were you still fighting for face and acceptance at your age?
I pity him with confusion, but so ends my first example of interaction with the older generation’s initiative. Now, I’ll recount a similar time where I spoke with a customer, an older gentlewoman.
Generally, this conversation was more pleasant and made more sense in my mind. She was buying treats for herself, who had not been to the store for some years (a local business, so we had some repertoire with those who grew up in the area) and was excited to reminisce. I, being a good employee and generally interested in those who were familiar with the store, was happy to indulge her in her nostalgia and talked about the treats that the store served and marveled at its consistency despite its age.
Pleasantries aside, it was a charming conversation. One could tell that she was well-lived and had still maintained her intrigue of the world, not yet tired despite her age. Of course, there was still that melancholy that most elders who are happy have, and she, like many others in that store, commented on how her family was having medical issues, her friends were to retire, people simply have no taste for the authentic things in life. The troubled days will never end.
In response, I said something silly and uplifting, something like, “before you know it, you’ll be looking back.”
This older gentlewoman seemed to be halfway stunned and said with a small smile, “Yes, you’re right. Thank you for that.” She was very genuine in saying this, for whatever reason, and paid for her treats soon after. She thanked me once more and left.
That was where my confusion started and ended for that particular conversation. You know, working in customer service, you don’t expect to have any genuine conversations with your customers, or customers who are looking for someone to listen to and not one-sidedly vent to. I spent some time wondering about this interaction, and so it still stays in my memory even to this day.
Now, relating this conversation to the previous example, it was clear that this gentlewoman was not struggling in her ego and had already accomplished a good sense of self. She was able to enjoy our meaningless conversation, although this is also to be contributed to our shared interest in the products and general geniality towards each other. She still had an elder’s voice during our conversation, but it was not so demanding as that older gentleman’s was. This was a sign of mutual respect, in my opinion.
Even after getting some meaning from my small aside, she didn’t bother to explain herself and happily took our interaction as her own. She had her own reservations, her own sense of self, and was content with our performance. Regardless of what I took away from that conversation, she was fulfilled.
I think that is another characteristic of an elder generation’s approach to a younger: to have more contentment with themselves than testing and being attentive to the other party. This sort of self-centeredness affirms their ego, but also brings up a barrier between generations that is usually seen between children and the world. Instead of fearing misunderstanding, they act with the presumption that they could not possibly be misunderstood, and if they were, well, that person was likely not worth talking to at this time. The other party will surely grow to see their point of view one day; right now, it is not really of high concern.
I wonder if this is a trait that comes with age and not simply a manifestation of their generation’s culture. The whole idea that, “oh, one day you’ll understand”, is it an avoidant tactic, or a genuine sentiment? In the case of the older gentlewoman, we were in a mutual enjoyment of each other’s company, so I doubt that she was in avoidance or anything. It is just her casual approach towards our conversation that made me relate her to the older gentleman.
For this side of examining age in conversation, I could also bring up a conversation I once had with my boss, but I think it is more well suited for the idea of power in a setting. At this time, I’ll leave these shallow thoughts here, and prepare myself for the day.
