WANTING TO SCREAM

Charlotte Cane

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“ᴍᴇʟᴀɴᴄʜᴏʟʏ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴏᴜɴᴅꜱ ᴏɴ ᴀ ᴡɪɴᴛᴇʀ’ꜱ ɴɪɢʜᴛ.”― ᴠɪʀɢɪɴɪᴀ ᴡᴏᴏʟꜰ, ᴊᴀᴄᴏʙ’ꜱ ʀᴏᴏᴍ

For a moment, there’s an unnatural grip of fear upon me, and I don’t know why. I feel like a deer in the headlights as I peer at the group not too far from me. Even from the distance, smoke from the blazing red Mercedes car piptail, suffocates and burns my nostrils. I know if I bring myself closer, I might cough from the gas emission.
It’s hot outside, but for some reason my body temperature sinks into a bath of cold sweats.

Those people don’t mean any harm. I know that. Kevin, Megan, Freddie, and Juliana, are good people. They’re supposed to be my friends.

But I have a nagging fear, that makes it hard for me to accept that.

“Charty! Pass the damn football!” Kevin shouts, making me flinch.

Why do I do that?

Why do I flinch?

Kevin’s not a bad guy.

I am a bad person. I caused someone to die. I am the bad person.

Bending over, I pick up the football and stand as straight as I can. I feel small as I feel all their eyes on me. Adjusting my grip on my backpack, I approach a little closer to the sound of a car’s running engine.

“He-hey.” My throat feels hoarse as I draw on weary strength to speak. In my sweaty hands, I offer the brown leathered ball.

Kevin says nothing as he snatches the football out of my hands. “Yo Fred!” He wears a pearly white smile as he chucks the football to Fred.

Fred, a little distracted, barely catches the football as he gives me a side eye glance.

“Kevin! What did I say? Get your ass moving! I want to leave now!” Immediately at the continuation of their tom foolery, Megan pokes her head out even further from the passendagar window to screech loudly at them.

In response, the two laugh and snicker, tossing the football around a few more times before getting into the car.

THUD!

The car door slams close as I watch Kevin get into the driver’s seat with a glaring Megan hissing at him.

It’s been a few moments before I realize I’ve been standing and staring, and after what feels almost like forever, Megan turns her attention to me.

“Char-Char.” Megan bats her long dark lashes and perfects her glossy smile. Strands of her golden hair creep over the passenger’s car window. “Where have you been? You’re totally late. We are totally just getting out of here now to go to a party.”

“I’m sorry.” I swallow rocks down my dry throat. For a moment, I fiddle with my hands and pluck my bangs behind my ears. “I hope you weren’t waiting.”

“You’re lucky we weren’t.” She chastises me, peering through my shivering bones. “You brought the money?”

“Y-yeah.” My head immediately bobs and I dive into searching through my backpack. “Sorry again—,” I say, whilst rummaging through my belongings. “I really didn’t mean to hold you guys all up, but something happened, and I ended up getting detention and I couldn’t—-.” Megan cuts me off.

“Can you hurry up and get the money? I mean, you’ve had me waiting for so long, and now you’re dragging it on. That’s really tiresome,” she says, the annoyance clear in her voice.

I peek at her; her eyes are pointed and there’s a look of apathetic disgust. She doesn’t care for whatever I’m saying, and it’s almost like she wants to make that even more clear with her tone.

Something burns deep inside my chest as my eyes meet her disgust.

Megan’s on the right. All I’m doing is making excuses. I chose to help her family, and she deserves the money. It was her brother who paid the price for my mother’s mistake—and I was the one who caused everything.

Megan shouldn’t have to listen to all my excuses.

I swallow my words. In silence, I find the wad of cash shoved into one of my backpack compartments.

Lowering my head, I step closer to the driver’s window. “Here.” My voice is as low as a mice’s whisper as I offer the money through Kevin’s side.

“Thanks!” Joy bounces in Megan’s voice as she reaches over Kevin and takes the money. “I know I can always count on you, Char.” She gives me one of her classic perfect twinkling smiles.

I nod, keeping my head low. “Yeah. Of course.” Turning on my heels, I get ready to walk home when Megan’s voice stops me from getting far.

“Wait! Char!”

I turn back to the car.

“Walking home?” She asks, watching me through Kevin’s open car window.

Quiet, I nod.

“Don’t be a stranger. You see we are all in the car. Get in.” She motions me over. “We’ll give you a ride home.”

“U-h. I-I don’t know.” Fear drills into me as I view the car in detail. The running engine still roars like a rumbling beast. The red paint job is shining in the light of the sun, almost blindingly so. I’m not afraid of the car, but I can refuse the rising anxiety that suffocates me as I even consider getting inside of any moving vehicle. “I think I’ll just–uh, walk.” I can barely speak as my knees start getting weaker by the second.

“You’re not still afraid of riding in cars, right?” Megan asks, the sound of concern in her melodic low timber voice.

I gulp, my simmering fear hammering through my ribcage. “No–well–I–um–uh.” My words are becoming a jumbled mess. “I don’t…I can’t…I think–I think I’ll just walk,” I mutter on shaky words and limbs.

“Don’t be so anxious. Nothing’s gonna happen. Just get in,” she commands, with a flip of her hair. “Besides, we’ve already taken out so much time for you. You shouldn’t take advantage of our time.”

“I—,” I say, paying to swallow. “It’s not like that…I don’t mean to–to–do that but I…” I can’t find the words to finish.

For a moment, Megan sighs, shaking her head. Then without warning, she swings open the car door and steps out from the passenger side. I don’t register what’s happening until Megan is standing in front of me.

“Get in, Char,” she firmly says, tugging me by the arm.

“W-wait, I just…” My heart is thumping so loudly I can hear it in my ears. There’s an anxiety that tears me apart, burning like an untameable fire in my chest. My breath is sporadic, and I am hardly finding the air to breathe. Megan’s nails feel like claws in my skin as she drags me the short distance towards the car.

I try protesting, but I feel like I’m drowning into feebleness as she opens the car door and shoves me in. Her push is so hard that I feel winded as I tumble into the backseat right into the lap of Fred.

“Woah, don’t throw yourself at me Char.” Fred laughs, as I scramble to get off his lap amidst my heaving desparte jitteriness.

SLAM!

She shuts the car door so quickly, I don’t have time to even get up. “W-w-wait…” Fear tangles my tongue. “I-I-I can’t be in here. D-don’t start the car!”

My words are too slow. Megan gets back into her seat by the passenger side, and Kevin starts the car without a moment of delay.

“Damn, don’t piss your pants, Char.” I hear a perky plummy voice also in the backseat with Fred and I. I crane my stiff head to see Juliana, or Julie, in the farest seat by the window. She snickers at my pale sweating face.

‘Don’t piss your pants?’

That was a silly thing for her to say, because I didn’t want to piss my pants. I wanted to scream.